Crappy grown up stuff…

Welp. Go figure that the first pregnancy I announced at such an early stage would be the one that I miscarried. I just figured that I was so proficient at having kids that the chances I would have problems with my 5th kid were really small.

If you’re a dude, you should probably just stop reading. Or if you don’t care to know the gruesome details, just go make yourself a bowl of ice cream and sit down to a nice rerun of the office. Because you’ll never look at an ice cream scooper the same after this…

Just kidding. But not really.

I started to spot bleed around 8 weeks. We went in for an ultrasound the next day and the baby was measuring pretty much on track. I had a small amount of clotting in the uterus around the placenta but it looked small enough that my body might have been able to re-absorb it. He gave me a 50% chance of miscarriage.

The next week looked good, I hadn’t bled any more and we went in for another ultrasound about a week after the first one. The baby had decreased in size to about 5 weeks and 6 days and there was no heart beat. There was also quite a bit more blood in my uterus. My doctor was certain that I miscarried but wanted to get my blood count just to be sure. It came back a few days later at about 28,000 which is common for someone around 10 weeks.

I had miscarried.

So he gave me the option of doing a D&C. I immediately told him no, that I would do it on my own. And then a week later I still hadn’t miscarried. After some great advice from family and friends everyone had told me the same thing. GET A D&C. If you don’t have to experience the pain, DON’T.

Today was the D&C. And they were completely correct. I didn’t feel the pain. I didn’t contract and bleed like a stuck hog. It was immediately over and I could mourn and get it over with. I’m not even bleeding now. My doctor said it will be easier and faster to try and get pregnant again. All around it was a really great experience.

I have to say the Lord has really blessed us. When my husband deployed I spent the first couple months acting all woe is me. And then I realized. There really is no use crying over spilled milk. Deployments happen and there’s nothing you can do about it. Miscarriages happen and there’s nothing you can do about it. I can kick and scream and throw a giant fit worthy of an Oscar but the reality is this happened for a reason. And I truly believe that I’ll be able to raise this child in the next life. The only question is…

Were you a boy or a girl. Because I’ve got TONS of ideas on what your nursery is going to be like in heaven.

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  • im so sorry you have to wait to meet your baby. its not supposed to happen like that. it doesnt matter that you announced it as soon as you did, a mama feels like a mama as soon as she knows. we are just spectators. my heart goes out to you for the loss of you baby.

  • I am so so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. I have had more than one and it is an awful experience. I also wonder about boy or girl, but so thankful I will get to see my babies in heaven someday. It really helped me to get out of town after it happened. For some reason a change of scenery, even just for the weekend, helped me move on. You will be in my prayers.

  • That's so sad Nikki. I'm really sorry it happened to you but I think you're one of the few that could handle this situation so well. So yes it happened for a reason but you probably won't know that reason for a while. Chin up, I'm sure you'll be blessed with a little one in no time. Come November you can hold baby Miller as much as you'd like.

  • i just wanted to say that i'm very sorry the loss of your baby.
    i'm new to your blog & you've inspired me in many ways, that i want to just encourage you to keep counting your blessings amid the pain…i too, know this pain.i pray that you experience the loving arms of comfort & healing of our great God!

  • I am so sorry about your loss. BUT I love your outlook! After having a D&C myself, I was able to ask the doc what I "had" and he told me the sex of the baby (however, I was 16 weeks) so it might be worth asking the doc. Also, I just read a great book called "Heaven is For Real" and it has a really neat story in there about a miscarriage that took place by the author's wife and how their son met their miscarried daughter in heaven. It is mind blowing and I highly recommend reading it. Hugs to you…